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Deflector Shields Set At Full Power, Captain

2004-01-22_xx_12:51 a.m.


Don't you wish you got letters like this?

Dearest New Crush,

I had a conversation with my X, more of a soul bending moment actually. The mundane details are unimportant, but what came of this conversation is important. We talked of how she and I put up walls to defend ourselves, most of the time without realizing that we do so. I'm sure we two are not the only ones who do this, I've meet many like us and will probably meet many more. Our instinct to avoid what has harmed us in our past is to shut things out and prevent them from effecting us, thus eliminating the threat. Far back into our relationship and thus now after it, we have both had up barriers and pitfalls in place. The defenses we have assembled are quite impressive, complex and nearly impossible to breach.

Recently, she let her wall down; just for a breif moment and in this brief moment she gave in and decided to take a chance only to be burned worse than she ever was by myself or anyone else in her past.

It has taken me half a year to be happy again, to enjoy life, have fun and move along with a purpose. I have very few commitments to keep, lots of time for my friends and lovers who require very little from me in return. I relish the stability and basically drama free life I am currently residing in; chance and gambling on foolish dreams are for suckers. And I am no sucker.

In the span of a week, you have placed a very large pothole in my life. Your uncanny knack for saying the right thing is unnerving. Your refusal to stay out of my head drives me crazy and your lust for physical gratifciation is down right frightening. There really hasn't been too much I have said that you didn't agree with, have an answer for or just say the exact right thing to. I can see in your eyes how much I have rattled you and I can also see how much you needed it.

These are the reasons for all the warnings. These are how come I am so up front with you. And these are the reasons I am saying stop.

I am overwhelmed and feeling smothered and a light-hearted jibe resulted in you thinking too much and writing things like, "Sorry if I made it seem like I thought you owed me an explanation or like you should have checked in. I did not mean it that way at all."

This is too much for me and I'm not ready for it. While I am most willing to poke at your brain, take you out, be a flirtatious tease, have some fun and show you what I can of the world through my eyes, I won't let you in.

I don't mean to be harsh or cruel, but I am finding more and more that bluntness doesn't leave any room for misunderstanding.

So no my little freak, there isn't anything wrong. It's just that way too much is right.

I haven't had a good nights sleep in a week, the Sandman is really starting to get pissed at me.

Until tomorrow.

Martin

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