I Wonder If Napoleon Ever Had These Problems?
I have been Waterloo�d; flanked and fucked from behind. My ass has been blitzkrieged, carpet bombed and I swear to you someone spiked my coffee with agent orange.
It appears, dearest of diaries, that my attempt to rattle the powers that be some weeks ago and make an example of my upper management at their expense has blown the fuck up in my face. Which I figured SOMETHING would have to come of it, it goes without saying that you can�t let your sergeant run the platoon and usurp the authority of Lt.�s, Capt.�s and Majors at every turn.
I am, however, a bit shocked at the severity of the backlash that has been brought down upon me. Grant it, I suppose I have been bitching about hating this job and my sub-conscious attempts at getting fired have been documented, but the only thing worse than getting fired from a job you hate is having to FIND a job that you hate.
Details? For my tirade and purposeful reprimand on my illegal use of the internet I have been written up for �sub-standard� work performance. This particular violation, while not an immediately terminating offense, occurring multiple times can result in further corrective action, up to and including termination. The fun thing about this is how open to interpretation such an act is. I technically could get my chops busted by any manager or supervisor if they even think they see me screwing off, like right now for example.
Because I am no longer in charge of recording attendance and therefore not able to �accurately� record what I would classify as sick time or not and also because of my super�s meticulous record keeping habits, I am now well beyond the number of acceptable occurrences of time off work due to sickness. In this specific case, I cannot take even an hour of sick time until some time in August, lest I be immediately terminated.
Finally, I have been placed on (described in corporate jargon) �corrective action for the duration of my employment for insubordination.� Woo Hoo, finally! This one I am actually quite proud of and not only signed it with glee, but asked for a copy which I promptly hung on the outside of my cubicle as a badge of honor for all to see. It took two days before any of the management team noticed this new piece of art decorating my outside cube wall and I was asked to not hang such things on the OUTSIDE of my cube. Quickly bowing to their whims and based on their instructions and verbiage, I hung it on the INDSIDE of my cube. If I keep pushing my luck, voicing my opinions, speaking the truth and making my managers look stupid in front of peers and colleagues alike, this is the one that I have the best shot of having placed in my permanent corporate file as reason for termination. In which case, I�ll do a combo of the Jerry McGuire �Flip out� scene and the crazy eyed, sprinting zombies from 28 days later on my way out the door.
Of course, I am not one to stand idly by and let a bunch of fuck-stick, arrogant, ass-munching managers get the best of me. Subtly was the key, but with enough �oomph� to it that would actually cause some sort of discord and unrest. So�.
Whilst speaking to one of my I.T. buddies, they advised me of a new virus that was circulating through our internal email system. This little bugger attacks, infects and spreads through XP version of windows only and I was advised NOT to open any attachments from unknown or suspect email sources. So who in my corporate conglomerate utilizes the XP operating systems? Yes, that�s right, management! All the grunt and frontline agents use NT or 95 as it is cheaper to keep unlicensed and unregistered software for base functions rather than upgrading for cost effective purposes. Before the end of my shift Friday, I opened every email and attachment I could find just to be thorough.
...
Come Monday, as the chaos swirled around me, I couldn�t even wipe the shit eating smirk off my face when the desktop support super came up to me and with a knowing shake of his head, installed the most powerful virus protection program that our company has available and then removed the monitoring program that management had placed on my drive to �police� my activities.
Score one for the rabble, as I suppose it is best to be the leader of the revolution then the king at the top of the castle, at least when you�re a French King or too smart for your own good. Besides, it�s kind of nice that when Big Brother is watching, he really isn�t because you know that the real reason the I.T. Super is getting divorced isn�t because of irreconcilable differences, but because he�s fucking another super here. Knowledge truly is power, learn from your mistakes and take a lesson from history:
Napoleon was one of the greatest minds of his times, his grasp of military tactics and strategies was unmatched and he was one bad motherfucker. But in the end, all it took to cut him off at the knees and destroy his empire was for some shmuck to think outside the box and literally fuck him in the ass.
So even as you face forward, and leave your enemies in piles at your feet and as you cut a swath to the heart of the amerikan dream; watch your corn hole. It goes without saying that the only folks that will pay a ton of attention to this particular feature of your body are the ones that are most likely to try and stick something in it.
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