Weather Forecaster Is Not A Legit Job In Arizona & My Balls Itch
I was watching Family Guy the other night, with the volume turned up over the hum of our air conditioning unit and a thought populated in my head. The episode in question was the one in which Peter decides to join the Ren. festival. In the very begining, the Cohag news folks go over to the weather dude (whose name escapes me) for the "Black-u-Cast". The guy looks into the camera with all the angst of a Plack Panther member and shouts the weather forecast, "IT'S GONNA RAIN".
In addition to being deliciously amusing, this jogged forth my cranium and gots me thinkin about the weather and weather related issues in my neck of the woods.
There is no reason for the PHX to have any weathermen/women from now until around August. It's either sunny and hot or partially cloudy and hot, period. There are not freak snow storms, tornados, hurricanes or "extreme heat" advisories here, because it's always hot. What the local stations should do is just shoot swim-wear clad hotties of both sexes frolicking in any of the 10's of thousands of backyards swimming pools and play soothing music, while they show pictures from around the globe of what real weather looks like. In fact I think the local weather casters here need to buckle down and go get a real job. And with my disdain for media propogandi reaching new heights, I think we should limit local news stations to 20 minutes a day and ban reports about water skiing pets, any story that involves interviewing anyone below the poverty level and ALL 'special investigation' stories that are used to scare and distract residents from real news, unless of course they are investigating strip clubs, massage palors and prositution, in which case they whould be allocated a full hour and be allowed to shoot it like a low-budget porn; minus the blacking out of anatomical parts and making sure the boom guy picks up every moan and groan in detail.
And speaking of shit that makes me HOT, in the slew of new porn I have recently proccured, there is a 'fetish' video that has some wonderfully weird shit in it. Among some of the tamer scenes, are a couple that involve 'shaving'. I normally "trim the hedge rows" so to speak, to keep everything down below from turning into a pubic version of the Amazon rain forest. Summertime in the AZ presents another monster for me all together, that manifests itself in the form of sweat. For any of you all that find amusement from hip & hop type songs that glorify "sucking the sweat off my balls" type of shit, then you should speak to several of my X-girlfriends who will tell you opnely and truthfully about how un-romantic and tasty this activity can be. And again, keep in mind, I LOATHE body hair, espicially my own and do everything in my power to keep it at bay, short of waxing every inch of my body squeaky clean (note, no FUCKING way this is an option), so my hygene factor is better than your tpyical guy. Despite my morbid fear of getting anything sharper then female teeth near my manhood, I found myself with some idle time yesterday afternoon and figured, what the fuck you only live once, right?
Oh how I was wrong! For future reference, I will stick to my micro trimmer and actually consider getting waxed before I will razor my nut sack ever again. And I promise, I will not ever do this during a work week either. I'm fairly certain what I am currently feeling can be apporpriatelly placed in a visual point of reference by saying that I feel like a Leper with an overly active infestation of crabs; most of the physical area below the equator won't stop itching. To add to my discomfort, I'm at work for another 4 hours and with no releif in sight, it's not like I can scratch to my hearts content or drop my drawers and give the little guy the rub down he seems to need.
The light at the end of the tunnel? I now posses the well manicured equipment of a high paid pornstar. I would provide a picture perfect point of reference for this as well; but lets face it, even I'm not that sick.
And yes, dearest of diaries, I am aware that I am supposed to love the heat and don't really sweat all that much when submersed in it, but even desert reptiles can't always take the heat of the day and seek shade. Any place on your body that has hair will sweat first and stink first. Next up on the shaving agenda?
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Jesus, are YOU still reading this?
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