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Someone's In The Kitchen With Dyna

2004-07-27_xx_7:33 p.m.


Tonight I cooked up thick boneless steaks, garlic mashed potatoes with a nice side of green beans to balance things out. In theory this sounds like a ground meal, however I cooked enough for two and I am only one. While past relations with the fairer sex are partially to blame here, the real culprit is the fact that I�m a good roommate.

The key word here is �mate� as in a companion. Because I am only one and can�t ever seem to cook a prepared meal for anyone less than that, my roommate is the benefactor of an eatable windfall. Even better than the whole being able to cook and always cooking for two thing, I like to cook, enjoy cooking and I�m not half bad at it. I can�t bake worth a shit (my cakes fall and my brownies are always hard), but I can whip me up some vittles (for two of course) that you will surely enjoy. So my heterosexual life partner whomever he or she happens to be at the time always gets dinner cooked for them by me and I won�t even make you do the dishes.

In addition to having the afore mentioned skills with the grillz, I�m also very good with vomit. Unless you projectile shit into my mouth or hork on me while we are �fooling around�, my stomach turns to cast iron. I can hold your hair, clean up your mess and haul your puke encrusted carcass to the nearest bed. I know what some of you are thinking. How could this possibly be a good quality? Lets just say that if you are my roommate at some point we are going to be in a situation where someone is going to end up hurling and you totally need someone like me around when there is a technical yawn in our kitchen sink.

I am also a good drunk. Right off the bat if you have to ponder why this would be a good quality, just stop reading. Being a good drunk is the key quality amongst everything else. Bad drunks do things like start fights, break stuff and crash into things while making a tremendously large amount of noise in the process. While I can�t always control myself, you won�t ever find me in the front yard, your bed or trying to grope your significant other while you�re passed out. I�m relatively quiet and 8 times out of 10 I won�t slam the door when I stumble home from an all night drunken adventure. I pee in the toilet, put down the seat (well sometimes anyway) and very rarely will I post embarrassing pictures of you passed out circling the toilet with your pants around your ankles while you scream for your mommy. These I keep for blackmail.

Finally, I won�t take your shit. Now trust me, this really is an admirable quality to have. I�ll berate you when you don�t take out the trash and I�ll make you recycle your beer/wine/captain Morgan bottles. If you call me a bitch, I�ll call you a pussy, if you tell me you fucked my mother than I�ll tell you I ass rammed yours with a group of Haitian immigrants. I�ll keep you grounded, deflate your ego and always tell you, no matter how much you deny it that those pants do not go with that shirt under any circumstances, swinger party or not. I�ll curse at you when you use the last of the laundry detergent and you bet your sweet fucking ass I will always remember when it�s your turn to clean the toilet and when you owe me money.

On the downside, I�m also pompous, arrogant, prissy, self-absorbed, and a smart ass know it all who will throw things at you if you try and wake me up. I won�t let you borrow my car and you sure as fuck can�t have my last beer. I require constant attention, reassurance and I�m like a burger king; it�s gotta be my fucking way.

wait where was I going with this

oh yeah, so I can like totally fucking cook.

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