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Full Moon Blues

2004-07-29_xx_11:35 p.m.


In the utter and complete darkness I sit. Alone and not only a physical state of being, but a state of mind as well. The lighter flickers and sparks fly in front of my eyes�once�twice�three times and my world explodse into light. Shadows dance around me and I squint at the light dancing just past the tip of my nose. With calculated accuracy bread from years of practice, I guide the flickering flame to a predetermined location and hold it steady.

A deep inhalation and a spark forms, the burning sound of dried vegetation echoes in the silence. My eyes half close as I draw the smoke deep into my lungs. Here I hold it, savoring the sensation as the various elements are dumped into my blood stream. I can feel my pulse quicken slightly as foreign substances enter once again and are welcomed like conquering heroes.

It is then and only then when I think of you. The nights long, long ago, surrounded by cinder block walls and houses on hills. I remember everything from the unicorn poster on the wall, to the battered SNES, your chair, your hair and the way you would look at me over your glasses that no one else has ever been able to duplicate. The feel of your soft curls beneath my fingers, the warmth of your lips as they brush my neck and little things like the mole by your navel and the way snot would fly out of your nose whenever I mad you laugh. There were van halen songs sung to you in tribute, early morning dashes up the and down the freeways and I can�t ever remember someone ever feeling as right as you did when I held you in my arms and lied to you the best I could and forever told you everything would work out in the end.

I still have the crude 8 panel cartoon you drew me, the senior pictures and a ring that finally broke with time. Just like so many promises we always thought we would fulfill. Your memory has survived through so much; it still amazes me to this day. And now, years later when I can finally say the things I always meant to and be everything you always wanted me to be. you are someplace close enough to touch, but farther away than any of the random twinkling objects in a dark desert sky.

On nights like these I think of you when I slide out of the shadows to stand under a bright night sky. I stand in the middle of the street, cock my head to one side and I whisper sweet nothings at a full moon. Even if you can�t here me and never will again, I can take comfort that you will still be listening. Still waiting for your knight in shining armor to appear on the horizon and sweep you away; even if his steed sports bucket seats and his armor is nothing more than a concert tee and a pair of faded Dickies.

Yes, on nights like these I think of you with each sweet sensation that fills my lungs and roars back out again. I tried desperately to learn as you tried to teach, that way you flicked your tongue to blow the most perfect rings of smoke I have ever seen. Under the light of the full moon I smile and I remember. As sleep deprivation and dreams of an insomniac invade my tranquility I cant help but remember how we never, ever wanted summer nights to end.

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