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Nightmares Spawned by PBS

2004-10-05_xx_2:53 p.m.


I remember several years ago, i was home and very very sick with the flu. Being a man, I am of course, horribly whiney and miserable when such illnesses get the better of me as has been pointed out to me by every ex-girlfriend to date. I assume that the whole child bearing and bleeding for seven days thing is responsible for the ability to handle the same type of illness in a much more dignified manner, but I have never been able to verify as such.

At some point I decided to aleviate the body aches and chills with some marijuana. This was an extremly piss poor decision as I was already pumped full of tons of medication. In addition to increasing the intesity of how bad my aches and chills were effecting me, it also caused already sleep deprived and heavily medicated brain to wig the fuck out on me. For some reason I still can not explain, I flipped the channels on the televesion to PBS just in time for the start of the teletubbies.

If you are familiar with the show or not; in the very begining there is a sun shining over the cartoon landscape that has a laughing baby for a face. This horrid little creature beams and laughs and without warning the creepy bloated figures of the 'tubbies come rolling to the forefront. As soon as they started speaking gibberish and rubbing their tummies that contained...televeisions...I started to whimper. Some sort of unexplainable power overtook me; the remote slid out of numb fingers and I was held, transfixed in place in utter horror. Before I knew what was happening, the incessant babble from my flickering screen of brainwashing children's doom washed over me and I found myself speaking in tongues. Choking and spurting as spittle flew from my lips, I felt my eyes roll into my head and everything went black. To my utter horror, I regained my senses just in time to see that hell-spawned baby-sun combination laughing and giggling just before the credits rolled.

I freaked out and had vivid nightmares for the remainder of my invalid state (another two days) in which baby-faced suns chased me around a cartoon landscape giggling the entire time. It was turly hell. While I don't fear the actual show anymore, I still to this day get creeped out anytime i'm watching PBS and a baby laughs; sweaty palms, bulging eyes the works.

Don't even get me started on Barney.

I miss the good ole days of Mr. Hooper's death, HIV muppets, a green pissed off grouch living in squalor and filth, Vampire counts, ambiguous gay couples fighting over rubber duckies and argyle socks and the biggest imaginary friend no one could ever see.
...
...
What in the fuck is a Snuffaluffakiss anyway???

Man, I love it when my brain does stuff like this.

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