Holiday Tradition
EDITORS NOTE: In my zeal to repress my holiday emotions, I failed to purchase Xmas cards and also managed to erase over half of my wonderfully witty and verbose holiday letter I had initially intended to send out for all to enjoy. I muddled through the ending (not as stellar as my original) and hope everyone that has the patience to make it to the end and enjoy my dry (pun intended) humor.
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Happy Holidays!
A warm greeting from the southwest to you all, during this most recent holiday season. It seems like an eternity since I spent these last couple of months of each year in a snow bound, gray cloud covered sky, freezing my ass off. I am still quite certain such surroundings must add to the frustrations that every holiday season managed to coax forth! Here in the desert things are great! In hindsight things aren�t exactly spectacular and in all actuality, life is pretty shitty, but at least the weather is fantastic!
Some of you may recall my initial introduction to the Arizona sunshine was less than a gratifying experience. Who knew that you could get 2nd and 3rd degree burns from a little bit of sunshine in the middle of April! When I first arrived in this sun soaked paradise, the prospect of constant sunshine to warm my aching bones was exhilarating. As strange as it sounds to say, I never thought I would find myself pleading with the sky for just one overcast and rainy day. Who knew that the sun would shine, blistering the landscape for 117 straight days; so yes, there is such a demon as too much of a good thing! And the summer was half over before there was even a glimpse of weather!
Did you know that it is a common occurrence for great billowing clouds of dust to choke off an entire city, run the humidity index up to Midwest standards, while still maintaining a constant temperature of 100 degrees plus, without it actually raining? It�s true, I couldn�t actually believe it myself, but apparently come summertime this is what passes as precipitation in this neck of the woods.
August was truly a test of my steadfast resolve to carve a new life from this desert paradise. A number of ugly instances of Murphy�s Law literally exploded upon me! Apparently in the southwest desert it is a common practice to prepare your car for the onset of summer, which is most unlike the Midwest, where such tasks are undertaken prior to the coming winter months. I was never more aware of how poor my little cars air conditioning system functioned until I was forced to use it pretty much from go all the way until the end of October! Three service stops and several hundred dollars later, I have a brand new cooling system in my precious little vehicle. It also may interest many of you to know that there a number of very common items that melt or explode when exposed to extreme heat of a cars interior. Cans of soda, makeup, bottled water, any item made of plastic and even car batteries! I once happened upon an instruction manual in a bookstore that advised how to cook in or on your car which I originally dismissed as a novelty. That is until I managed to seer my legs on the vinyl seats and brand various parts of my body with the emblem on my metal seat belt.
If the perpetual heat wasn�t enough, the pool I so greatly appreciated for many of my first few months somehow managed to spring a leak and turn my barren backyard into a swamp of epic proportions. Currently the pool is empty and unused as the repair costs quoted to me by various companies are much more than I can currently afford. The increased water in my backyard did finally result in the growth of a number of plants and wild life that I never though would bloom in such an inhospitable environment. How any of my neighbors manage to grow greenery is beyond me, but their water bill must be astronomical! While the odd flora flourished and turned my backyard retreat into a jungle, I was helpless to trim hedges or weed plants because of the sudden mosquito infestation. While these flying disease machines are not nearly as large as the ones back home, they still are capable of stealthfully delivering extremely itchy bites to various parts of ones body. It was such a treat to be admitted to the hospital emergency room with one eye swollen shut from these monstrous little buggers and be told most of my discomfort, fever and general sickness, including brain swelling was due to my contracting the West Nile Virus! I must tell you, that spending two weeks in a hospital bed, followed up by another couple of weeks stuck at home, hallucinating from high fevers and abnormal brain activity based on the swelling sure did make August fly past in no time!
Things began looking up as summer gave way to fall or at least this was the time of year I was used to the seasons changing. That is not the case here. It is more like a slight cooling in temperatures that gives way to another growing season; more like having two spring times where the leaves don�t change color and the days and nights are still bathed in a perpetual sweltering heat wave. I never knew I was allergic to much of anything until I moved here and now it appears that I am allergic to just about anything that will grow in this barren wasteland. While in the midst of this hypoallergenic awakening, I found that among other things, I am allergic to every type of grass, weed, mold or tree that grows in this desert oasis. Dust was also a prominent allergy in addition to some acute food allergies to certain types of authentic Mexican peppers served in cuisines through out the city. The latter I discovered quite by accident, resulting in yet another trip to the emergency room!
In my quest to fill some of the void my solitary life had thrust upon me, I started to frequent several dingy dive bars located near my homesteads and it was during one of these outings that I met Georgette. Georgette was a sweet girl, with curly brown hair a prominent nose and legs that just keep on going. After we hit it off at one of these local pubs, she took it upon herself to show me around this city, which included stops at some of her favorite Mexican restaurants. It was during one of these visits in a fairly romantic setting that my trachea swelled shut and I nearly suffocated. If not for the quick response of my date, who somehow had the training and know how to cut a hole in my neck with a steak knife and fashion a crude breathing device using nothing more than a common straw, I might not be here to tell my tale at all! During this recovery process, Georgette would stop by and check in on me and I continued to take quite a shining to her.
Once I was back on me feet our activities switched to more athletic adventures, to which she was oddly adept at, that involved lots of outdoor activities. Can you believe people actually go hiking when it�s 100 degrees? I couldn�t fathom such events, yet I find myself at various points in and around the city struggling to keep up with the beautiful Georgette as we hiked up and down hills and mountaintops. I was during one of these vigorous workout sessions when a discovered a trio of noteworthy things.
� apparently there is a classifiable medical condition which symptoms include severe dehydration, dizziness and loss of consciousness from overexposure to the ever present sunshine. I believe this medical condition is commonly called Sun or Heat Stroke.
- there are an uncountable number of cacti, of all sizes and description in this Saharan like hideaway. One of the more interesting of these is referred to by locals as the �jumping cactus�. This particular brand of cacti is very brittle and has an unnerving ability to �jump� and attach itself to any object that passes too close. In addition to being a defense mechanism to discourage wildlife from snacking on its delicate arms, the needles are slightly venomous and this can result in a rather painful first hand lesson of how to identify them when you are stung, as I can personally attest to.
- rattle snakes really do rattle; it�s true! All the cartoons and nature shows from my youth had taught me this very well. What I seemed to be lacking in my education was that snakes are very well suited their environment and tend to be equally well camouflaged and are virtually impossible to spot until you are almost on top of them. They are also highly venomous.
The pain in getting documented proof of all three of these little known factoids in one hiking session is something I wouldn�t wish upon my worst enemy. While reeling in pain from my first �jumping cactus� experience, I managed to back into yet another one of these plants that also happened to be home to a Western Diamond backed rattlesnake. While I laid on the hilltop waiting to be air lifted to�yes you guessed it�yet another emergency room visit, I passed out from what I thought was the intense pain, but later turned out to be Sun (Heat?) Stroke! Georgette was fantastic through out the ordeal, even brining sending flowers to my room. I should have no ill effects from the snake bite or any of the 221 needle puncture marks. Cat scans to date are negative for possible brain damage from my little �Sun Stroke�; keeping my fingers crossed! Thank the gods for overpriced medical insurance as I am surely getting my money�s worth!
With all of the trauma and set backs and time off work, taking a vacation was the last thing on my mind. But Georgette sweetly insisted that she knew a little place south of the border where the drinks were cheap and we could have some private time together on a beach front private condo. Even though I was in desperate need of weeding my backyard jungle and various other tasks around my homestead I gave into her whims and we took off on an adventure to Mexico to a little town called Puerto Penasco.
Being as this was my first trip to Mexico I was ill prepared for the overall squalor and poverty that greeted my eyes. I was already doubting the fun factor on this trip when we were pulled over by the Mexico version of the Highway Patrol. Now you would think that two countries in such close proximity to one and other would have similar customs and rules regarding law enforcement. It is with deep regret I must say that this is not the case. When I went against Georgette�s advice to pay the mysterious �fine� levied by the officers and demanded I speak with a supervisor, we were escorted to the local police precinct and arrested for failing to bribe the officers! The nightmare only got worse as I was denied access to a phone and a lawyer and beaten quite severely before being locked in a filthy jail cell with half a dozen other prisoners. While we were only there for 48 hours, the dank cell allowed for very little light and I quickly lost track of time. My lack of speaking the native language led to a number of misunderstandings and I was repeatedly assaulted by not only my fellow inmates, but the guards as well. The ordeal finally ended when dear sweet Georgette negotiated our release. To my utter horror the terms of our release were sexual favors performed by my dear sweet companion that involved being gang-raped by a number of the police officers in full view of the jail cells. And this is where my southwest dating experience took a turn for the worse.
On the drive home Georgette, whose real name is George Wagner explained to me what I had somehow managed to miss all these long months. As I watched his pronounced Adam�s apple bob up and down, George covered the intricate details of cross dressing Transvestites, Drag Queens and anal sex in large groups, all of which was brand new information to me. He expressed his surprise that I was not aware that �Jackhammer Jack�s� was a meeting place for certain gender orientations and several other things I don�t dare repeat. I think it goes without saying that when Georgette (George?) finally dropped me at my humble home our last kiss goodnight was extremely awkward and rather terrifying. The good news? My therapist has noted that I am progressing nicely and the nightmares that plague me when I sleep are gradually beginning to subside.
If all this weren�t enough for one year, my lack of attention and laziness regarding my yard work came back to bite me rather hard. Remember the weeds that were growing in my backyard that I had yet to hack down with a machete? A concerned neighbor notified the authorities over them and early one November morning I was awakened to the sound of our cities finest executing a search warrant on my premises. While sitting handcuffed in my front room, I assured all those present that the show of force was quite unnecessary and that I was fully willing to cooperate and assist them in correcting whatever mistake had been make that had drawn them all to my little house. Boy was I in for a shock! The arresting officers questioned me and grilled me with such intensity and degree that made me wish for the far away comfort of a Mexican jail cell. Despite my professed ignorance to the arresting officers, investigating detectives, my court appointed defense attorney and finally the judge I was advised that possession is technically nine tenths of the law and the fact that I had no idea twenty-five marijuana plants were growing in my backyard was not an excuse the American judicial system would easily accept.
While I did receive a suspended sentence based on my clean record and professed ignorance this did not save me from jail time. I am very thankful my sentence was suspended down to three months and several years worth of probation, but a little bummed that I will be spending the remainder of my holidays behind bars. Georgette has been a savior throughout the entire process, coming to visit often and distracting me from the meals of green bologna and pink clothing the local sheriff seems to think is beneficial to reforming his prisoner base.
I think it goes without saying that I am surely looking forward to the start of the brand new year and despite all the missteps and mishaps, this sure beats the hell out of shoveling snow.
Happy holidays, a very Merry Xmas and here is to a brand new year!
Warmest regards from deep in the desert.
Josef Smith
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