For You, My Dear
This has been one of those days where the sun doesn�t shine on a dog�s ass and the rain won�t stop falling. A day where every little thing seems to set me off and every minor chore I attempt to accomplish is set on a proverbial backburner because so many other things take preference. If I still did such things, I would have screamed into my pillow and punched holes in walls when I went home on my lunch break.
Every thought is interrupted by slacked jawed morons that pass for my employees, every point I try and make is dismantled by a ringing phone or a flashing email. I simply want to write. Vent my thoughts and heal my mind the way I have grown accustom to after all these years. There is no solace today, just getting this little bit out is comparable to moving a concrete foundation with a hand cart.
Today of all days, my dear is when I am going to miss you the most. When the final bell tolls and the last card is punched, I will trudge home in the pouring rain and bitter cold. No sunlight is available to warm my bones and there is no voice at the end of the phone to bring the comfort I need today. Your couch is cold, your house empty and the scent of your presence long ago washed from my clothes; virtual hugs do me no good when I need a real one and you are half way around the world.
I�ve went through several levels of understanding why you are fighting so desperately against my love. Feeling the want and need a mere fraction of how I do is enough to shatter your perfectly crafted fa�ade and I know truly, madly deeply that you would not have anyway to fill in the gaps of emotions the way I do.
With no joy in my heart, spite filling my mind and profound amounts of frustration and sadness gracing my features, I accept someone else to fill the void.
Instead of hand holding and logical discussions, I proxy grudge fucking and pillow talk. I would love to have a gentle touch and kind eyes, but instead I supersede with hair pulling and longing glances of lustful intentions. I lie to my lover and give her the warm afterglow they always seek from me and none of the mental support I�ve grown used to receiving from you.
Admittedly this is a rather piss pour substitution for the love I seek from you, but anything I can do to keep my sanity day in and day out is a tactical risk I�m willing to take.
But know in my heart, my dear, that I patiently await your return. I count the days until you can look me in the eye and I will know that you are either my salvation or my ruin.
Some day soon my love, I will be able to tattoo across my heart �Absolutely no Substitutions� just like the menus from our favorite eatery we use to chase away our hangovers at.
I long for the day when doppelgangers no longer share my bed and nothing about me is a lie. All I need to be everything I can be is something as silly and as simple as you.
Absolutely, positively, no substitutions; guaranteed.
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