It's Good To Be The King
Recently my sister, whom also doubles as one of my roomates, was dumped by her boyfriend of three years. This situation has been a particularly sharp thorn in my side.
My sister by nature, is very loud, aggressive, straightforward and slightly annoying. One of the reasons that living under the same roof had such a mass apeal for me was because she spent 4 out of 7 days a week at previously mentioned X-boyfriends house. My sister is normally a perfectly reasonable person to deal with when she is moderately or completely happy; she has been neither of these for the past month. The final problem I currently have, is that my sister is sometimes more of a guy than I am. This came to be because I taught her at a very early age that men are scum and this was further implanted in her noggin by living with all male roomates for a large portion or her adult life.
She is now man crazy, bound and determined to find an immediate replacement for the dearly departed 'X'. Her first choice in this outlet has been pretty much anyone from my pack of coyotes. This has presented a rather unique situation for yours truly. Not because I would mind one of my friends banging my sister and not because I am still an over protective older brother. This is an issue because, with the exception of a couple of our fringe pack members, all of them have standards set in place that she couldn't possibly meet. In addition, her aggressive nature is akin to a stero-typical bar wench you would find in any midevil period flick; rude, crass and horribly crude. With the sole exception of myself, none of my friends find this sort of behavior something they would tolerate or be attracted to.
And almost to a man, my little sister scares the shit out of most of my pack. This, of course, hasn't prevented her from getting shitty drunk and trying to hump a couple of the more choice members, to their complete and utter horror. I fullfill many roles as Alpha male; seer, confidant, guide-dog, wing-man and unchallenged ruler of my domain. I also got to put on my suit of armor and do battle with the legendary creature known as my little sister on behalf of my friends so they won't be afraid to come to my house without being sexually assaulted.
She didn't take it all that well, donning a 'woe-is-me' attitude that I was having none of. She also dissected every comment and advise I gave her to try and gently push her in the correct direction. And little sister whined about nobody wanting her and several other phrasings associated with someone wallowing in self-pity and fishing for reassurance. I fnally gave up on trying to be the protective big brother and set her straight:
"Look. My friends are not the type of guys that are going to date and or fuck you. You are simply not the caliber of female that meets the stringest list of prerequisites that men of our semi-intelligence and quality have set as guidelines to finding our perfect woman." When she attemtped to protest and whine about finding the 'right guy' I put her back down once again, "You are not ugly and your personality could be a lot worse. The problem that you are running into is that you are attracted to men that have none of the qualities that you want in a mate and vice versa. I would reccomend that you cease feeling sorry for yourself, re-calibrate your man finding radar and track down a stud that is more up your alley and please quit trying to hump my friends."
She didn't talk to me at all on Wednesday, still seething from my sharped tongue rebuttle and white hot reality check I threw out to her on behalf of my colleagues. I am very happy to report that she has a date on friday and saturday and both of the boy toys she will be playing with this weekend are not among my pack.
After relaying this information, the pack took me out for dinner and beer at their expense. I am equally happy to report that they all slept well for the first time in many many nights, knowing that their great protector and Alpha male is watching over them whilst they sleep.
It's Good To Be King...at least for a while.
mahalo
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