Ch-ch-ch-Chia (crap)
I�m not sure what came over me. I�m not the sort of person to do something irrational like this, but I suppose it has all the normal makings of �well it seemed like a great idea at the time�� Regardless of the rational or lack there of, while rummaging through boxes in an unpacking binge, I found something I wasn�t actually looking for.
For clarification, I�m fairly decent to down right dead on when it comes to impersonalizing a number of character voices. I�ve got a huge number of the �In Living Color� gang down, a good collection of cartoon characters and a smattering of actors that folks can usually figure out who I am mimicking without too much trouble. Now my Scooby is better than my Shaggy and neither of them is very good at all; they are not in the forefront of the repertoire that I keep on hand for parties and bars. At some point I thought it a good idea to grow a goatee, a move that was more to cover a scar on my chin than for actual looks. Because of my lanky awkwardness and a few of my �social� activities that caused me to scarf down larges amounts of food while managing to say skinny one of my buddies in a blitzed haze stated, �DDDUUUUDDDDEEEE, you look like Shaggy, man!�
The following Christ-mass, I received a Chia shaggy as a gag gift. There were jokes of using the clay icon to grow pot with and proclamations of buying a companion Scooby to go with it. Inevitability kicked in and the box and its contents were eventually banished to a closet shelf and time, as it does, moved along. This particular item a lot like my bible; something I always remember to pack, always remember to move and always remember to unpack, but never actually open or do anything with except let them take up space in my closet.
After my most recent move, I decided that the only house plant I have managed to keep alive in my lifespan was in need of a companion piece to join it on the kitchen table. When I made this particular decision the means of which to procure said companion piece to keep my beloved house plant company were non-existent based on a serious lack of cash flow on my part. So what�s a guy to do in order to help keep the afore mentioned beloved potted vegetation item company on my long days away from the household?
Then like a beacon in the night, chia Shaggy leapt from the moving box and begged of me to break him free of his chains and plant him firmly on the kitchen table. At this point, I decided it might be best to quit smoking the spunky green shit I received as a house warming present, but gave Chia Shaggy a shot anyway.
Apparently this is just something I do not grasp about Chia technology. I remember the commercials from my youth (hell they still run the same ones now) and how cool and fun owning a Chia pet seemed to be. Now that I have owned and nurtured one of these little beasties, I am here to burst the chia pet bubble. These things suck.
First off, the instruction manual is longer and more detailed than most of the ones that come with do it yourself office furniture. Multiple languages reorder forms and tips on growing a healthy chia and also tips for what to do when the chia goes horribly wrong. Yes, you heard me right, chia can get fucked up and do things like, spoil, mold or die if you don�t follow the directions as they are given. Think you can just pop the box open and rock your chia pet? WRONG! You have to soak not only the chia holder over night, but also have to mix the seeds with water and let them sit over night to make a paste. The paste is then smeared over the chia holder (or head in this case) made all the more difficult because of the non-uniform design of the contraption to get the sticky stuff spread evenly. Once this is finally completed, you must water twice a day. And then you wait�
The second issue with this creation is the maintenance. Twice a day it must be watered and the secret behind the miracle growth is because the chia head is made of clay that constantly seeps, leaks and drips the water. This requires a �drip tray� that the instructions list as being included so of course it is not. I found that a normal dinner plate doesn�t have the volume to hold a days worth of run-off, so therefore my chia companion now rests in a stylish salad bowl. There is a constant drive to keep the silly thing filled to capacity as the destructions state that it is imperative you DO NOT LET THE CHIA HEAD DRY OUT! And then you wait some more�
The final problem with chia technology is the actual growth. It takes for fucking ever. Days pass and I watered faithfully, and waited and waited�until one day, a sprout appeared. The next there were several more. After about a week, I had a chia that was finally sprouting and upon closer inspection I realize exactly what I was growing; alfalfa sprouts. The same nasty ass plant that makes me gag every time they manage to sneak their way onto my salads. These horrible grass products are not supposed to be growing on my chia head, they were something consumed by vegetarians that are lacking taste buds. Yet here I was staring dumbfounded as my chia head dream was dashed. There were sprouts growing around Chia Shaggy�s ears, they were growing out of the back of his neck and they were even growing near his forehead�but they weren�t growing right on top.
Not only was my chia head dream dashed, my chia shaggy had a fucking bald spot. No matter how hard I had tried to nurture my little chia guy, his genetics dictated that my first, only (and last) experience with chia technology was a miserable failure.
Please, dear reader, around these times of holidays and giving, love and friendship; good will on earth and peace to men, remember these words. Spare your loved ones the trauma and disappointment of the entire line of Chia products; buy them a Clapper instead.
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