Truly, Madly, Deeply; Amended
I of course, gave her the letter.
neatly folded on bleached white paper, the last two sentences stretching on to the last page.
her eyes welled with tears, just as they did only a few days ago and she looked at me mouth opening and closing. the emotions were real, even hollywood actors couldn't duplicate such joy.
i explained in short sentences, crsip and to the point. no dramatics, no flourishes; tactical, precise strings of words that were not meant to be insipring or draw a response.
after several long minutes, when she finally did compose herself to speak, she was flattered and speechless; repeating to me again and again, "i don't know what to say..."
so I said it for her
"i had to tell you, because i didn't want to do this 6 months from now or 6 years from now. in addition to not wanting to fuck up what we already have, i know you can't possibly return the adoration i have expressed to you. the letter is yours to keep so no matter where you are in life, you will always have something that reminds you that you will always be loved. i dont want you to say anything at all and never mention this again. i love you my dear and it is really as simple as that."
we then got stoned, cleaned and arranged the patio for her party and she even sprayed me with the hose.
much later there was the party. a handful of people most of whom I didn't know. i sat huddled in her shadow, shaking from the cold that enveloped me from every angle, including that of her icey glare.
she was just as she always is; overly dramatic about simple things like cab rides and baking pies and brushing aside trips to london paid by Saudi princes and attending the Oscars as if such things were every day occurnces that bored her.
there was only one lone instance where the afternoon event came in to play. as a group we were talking of romance and love to which she replied, "don't even talk to me about love right now..." it was not said with malice directly to me, nor did she disclose that she had purposefully tossed these frigid daggers to pierce my heart. in fact it was mentioned in passing and out of frustration, an inside joke if you will, that only she and I had the punch line to. it gave me great joy to know that i had disrupted her perfectly planned life, if only for the briefest of moments.
to her credit, she only used it against me once and it was very late when everyone was extremely drunk. she played the roll of seductress to a tee, through half-closed eyes and posturing that brought all of her much closer than necessary. she quietly pleaded into my ear "don't leave me." and i obeyed her without a sound.
when the time came to finally slip from the grasp of my own personal siren, i bid her good night. I was forded to choked back a flood of retorts when she whispered to me that "i will see you soon." instead of saying all that I could, I just smiled in a gesture of defeat, "it won't be soon enough."
and this is the tale of how i lost another piece of my shatterred heart, amended.
truly, madly, deeply
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